I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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