Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm passing your future prison.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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