I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
