A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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