I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
