Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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