Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
