I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
