Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
