I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
