Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
