I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
