Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
