he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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