Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
