SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
