I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You ate ashes out of my bong
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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