college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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