her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
