Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm too high and old for this...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
