Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
