no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
