I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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