so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Congratulations! We have a period
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