she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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