Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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