i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
