Someone shit on the floor
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
