The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
