and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
