I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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