i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
