you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
