i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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