I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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