Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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