I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
