I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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