omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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