Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
