I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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