I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
