well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
