you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
