Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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