cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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