batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
