Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
