Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
