We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
