so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
