i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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