Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
