when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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